Chad Olsen, LMFT
New Year’s is about fresh starts and new beginnings. This New Year, I want you to consider anyone who you haven’t forgiven. Is there anyone who has hurt you in some way? Are you are still holding on to the pain that another’s actions caused you? Do you resent or desire revenge against the offender? My purpose is to try and help you see the benefits of forgiveness and give you the tools necessary to forgive.
I want to be clear that I don’t believe that forgiveness is synonymous with condoning the action or even trusting the person who hurt us. Some people believe that they can’t possibly forgive the person who hurt them because they believe that means they think the offense acceptable. You need to remember that forgiveness is for you, not necessarily for the person who hurt you. In fact, sometimes the offender isn’t sorry and won’t change, but we can still forgive.
From some research out of the Mayo Clinic, they reported that forgiveness can lead to healthier relationships, greater spiritual and psychological well-being, less anxiety, depression, stress and higher self-esteem. They also reported some physiological benefits including lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system and improved heart health.
Some of the earliest research regarding forgiveness was conducted by a psychologist by the name of Everett Worthington Jr. In order to help people forgive, Worthington created a step by step process using the acronym R.E.A.C.H.
R – Recall the Hurt – Just pretending that you haven’t been hurt doesn’t make the feelings go away and the negative feelings will manifest themselves in other ways, so we need to first acknowledge the offense.
E – Empathize with the Offender – Empathy is seeing an issue from the other’s perspective. It does not justify what they did but it allows you to have context around the offense.
A – Altruistic Gift – Remember that the benefits of forgiveness are not necessarily for the offender, they are for those who have been offended. Whether the person “deserves” forgiveness or not is not the question. The question is whether holding on to the grudge and pain is negatively affecting you. In order to alleviate yourself from these negative feelings, give the gift of forgiveness.
C – Commit to forgive – Make a conscientious decision to forgive. I recently heard a presentation from Jan Graff form the Graf Stress Management group in St. George. He suggested that we forgive out loud being specific who we are forgiving and what specific offense we are forgiving. He then suggested to make sure the statement is in the present tense: “I forgive…” rather than “I will forgive…” or “I should forgive…”
H – Hold onto Forgiveness – There will be times when the hurt and memories will still be present, but when those moments come, reflect back to the day when you forgave, which can be defined as the decision you made to let go of resentment and desiring revenge.
Life is tough sometimes because people do things to hurt us so we have to make a choice to either hold on to hurt or find freedom through forgiveness. We also must remember that each one of us needs forgiveness too. We are human – we make mistakes.
Forgive yourself and forgive others – it is a key to happiness.
