I am by no means an expert when it comes to gardening, but the process by which a garden grows can be very instructive as we apply it to our relationships. I figure if Mary knows how to answer the question, “How does your garden grow?” then we should also know how to answer the question, “How do your relationships grow?”
There are a few key elements when it comes to gardening. While this explanation may seem simplistic, I think it illustrates a true principle. First, we need to prepare the soil. Next, we plant seeds. We then nurture those seeds by providing the appropriate nutrients and by removing anything that is potentially harmful to the plant (i.e, weeds). After patience and hard work, we then enjoy the fruits of our labors.
Now, think of a current relationship you would like to strengthen. This pattern applies to dating relationships, marital relationships, familial relationships including the parent-child relationship, or other relationships you might be engaged in. The first step to strengthen that relationship you are thinking of is to prepare the soil. You might think it is a little late to prepare the soil if you are already in the relationship, but it is never too late to get the soil prepared and it’s not something that is only supposed to be done once. Each year in our garden we bring fertilizer in and work those nutrients into our soil. One of the best ways to prepare the soil in a relationship is to focus on strengthening the friendship aspect of the relationship. Many couples I see are frustrated because they don’t feel they enjoy the friendship they experienced during courtship. They have “fallen out of love.” The good news is that you can choose to fall back in love by doing the same things that were done in courtship – focusing primarily on the friendship. Think about things friends do and things friends don’t do, and then follow that pattern. Friends do fun things together. They don’t talk behind each other’s backs, nor do they put each other down. They build each other up and give compliments. They are there for each other when one is having a difficult time. They share good news with each other. They keep in contact with each other – whether thorough phone, text, or Facebook – they are involved in each other’s lives.
Once the soil is prepared, it is time to plant. We plant relationships by investing in them – by giving them a chance to grow. We can’t expect fruit if we don’t plant. One of the best ways to “plant seeds” is to spend time developing the relationship. There really can be no alternatives to time. Relationships, like gardens, take time! Now that the seeds are planted, we must give ongoing care which consists of nurturing the relationship and identifying and removing the weeds – or the toxic aspects of our relationships. Those that have gardened know that it is not enough to just water once and call it good. And we can’t rely on the rain to take care of the watering – especially here in Southern Utah or the plants will die. We water our relationships by consistently caring for the other person. We can show that genuine concern by asking what is going in their lives and giving our full attention to that person while they are talking. You can show that you really care and were paying attention by following up through asking how certain events in their lives turned out.
We then need to identify and pull the weeds out of our relationships. In the gardening world – so far as I know – weeds do not just go away by themselves. It takes some work to get rid of the weeds, but there is also something very satisfying about looking at a garden free of weeds. There are lots of weeds that exist in relationships: selfishness, poor communication, mistrust, parenting struggles, money issues, etc. Sometimes individuals get stuck and are not sure how to remove those weeds from their relationships. There are people in the community – whether neighbors, ecclesiastical leaders, or professionals – who are willing to help. Weeds, if left unattended, can choke the plants and prevent growth. It is worth the investment to pull the weeds out to enjoy the fruits of the relationship.
After we have prepared the soil, planted, nurtured and weeded our garden, we are ready to enjoy the produce. For some reason, the vegetables/fruit seem to taste better from our own garden than if purchased from a store simply because there was personal investment in the product. The feelings of closeness and happiness in relationships are the fruits we enjoy. Lastly, don’t forget to enjoy the process of cultivating relationships. Take joy in the little successes – the sprouts, the blossoms, a newly weeded garden and enjoying the end product. Relationships can be the most satisfying and joyous experiences that anyone can have during this life – it is worth the effort!
Chad Olson is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the community. He works at the St. George Center for Couples and Families.
