Validating is Different Than Agreeing:

Just so you know, validating someone’s feelings doesn’t mean you agree with them!

During a tough counseling session with a young couple, it became clear they had different memories of an incident from the past week. Both were convinced the other was lying because their views on the event were so different. What started as a simple chat about a typical relationship issue had turned into a heated competition to see who was right and who was lying just to look good.

We’ve all been at that point where we’re deciding how to handle a disagreement or feeling misunderstood. Think about a time when you and a loved one see something so different that you wonder which one of you is crazy or completely mistaken. You’ll find yourself at a crossroads in these conversations. One way is to compete for who is right by winning the argument. To do this, you need to have a clear winner and a clear loser, and then keep track of wins and losses. If you lose a few rounds, you might get super angry or manipulative to win the next argument. Justice requires that you both stay close to even in the win columns. The other way is the “Romantic Approach” to arguing. This approach involves being curious and understanding how your partner sees the incident.

Couples who decide they want to win and be competitive don’t need to read any further. But if you’re looking for more romance, more passion, a deeper understanding of each other, you can read the three rules to arguing toward peace.

Be sure you’re both having the same argument. If I’m arguing that I do plenty of household chores and she’s arguing back that I didn’t take out the trash in time for pick-up, we’re not going to get anywhere. To find the romance in arguing, we would first argue about the trash not getting out in time for pick-up, and then argue about roles and responsibility disparities.

Every single argument we have is an opportunity to update your memory bank of information about how your spouse sees the world you both live in. You will gain insight into the changes in philosophy, understand the new insights that have promoted growth, and will be explored and understood. It is as potent as the original courtship experience where every date you engaged in was all about getting to know each other’s purposes, likes, dislikes, rules to live by, and values held dear. If you see arguing as a way to get curious about your spouse and to see the issue through their eyes, you will see an intimate reward. Walking in their shoes during the argument will spur empathy, causing you to unavoidably fall deeper in love by the argument’s end. This is way more fulfilling than forcing your spouse to give in to your worldview.

Validating your spouse means acknowledging and respecting their feelings, experiences, and perspectives, even if you don’t necessarily agree with them. It shows that you value their emotions and are willing to understand their point of view. Validating is not the same as agreeing. Agreeing means aligning with and sharing their opinion or perspective. While agreement can feel good, it’s not necessary to agree for validation to occur. You can validate without agreeing by showing empathy and concern. Validating your spouse’s view must be sincere, not fabricated or sarcastic. For romance to blossom, avoid dismissive or patronizing language like, “I guess I can see why you’d feel that way” or “I understand, but it’s really not a big deal if I don’t like how you’re doing this.” Instead, focus on actively listening, showing empathy, and responding with genuine respect.

Communication skills building during arguments requires time, taking turns, and seeking common ground to build the agreement or understanding on. Couples that hone in on the skill of seeking to understand the views of their spouse, validating their beliefs and emotional responses to the experience, can then ask for a turn to be understood. I often call the process “coffee table the problem.” It is when a couple sits together with a coffee table in front of them (metaphorically or in reality). They envision each taking a turn to place their ideas on the coffee table to look at together. Once they both put their ideas about the argument on the coffee table, look at it together until they understand each other, they can then make an agreement together about a way forward. This process is creating an agreement and a deeper understanding of each other.

That can’t be a bad thing!