Why Saying Sorry is Key:

In a 70’s movie named Love Story A young man apologizes to his lover in a romantic scene only to be told that “Love means never having to stay you’re sorry!” I imagine that the never needing to say sorry could sound like the epitome of trust! I trust your intentions SO MUCH you will never have to say sorry for anything. I will always assume the very best.

However, the truth is, the only way you can achieve perfect trust is a willingness to say “I am sorry” every time you cause harm. In counseling couples I actively teach that saying you are sorry is one of the keys to an intimate relationship.

Bruce Lee is one of my heroes. He displayed immense grace and discipline. He was once heard saying that “Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.” Bruce Lee achieved pure greatness in Jeet Kune Do. This form of fight required immense discipline and training.

Marital intimacy requires us to be disciplined and to train nonstop. The foundation of marital training is building trust through being disciplined enough to admit our mistakes and to be able to forgive and become patient with your partners mistakes.

Remember that forgiveness is not one decision nor is forgiveness a “feeling” that settles over you. Forgiveness is a journey of several decisions and is a consequence of some actions. Forgiveness is restorative to the forgiver and the forgiven. A sense of relief is restored to the forgiven and a sense of personal power and strength is returned to the forgiver.

We are told to repent whenever we offend and forgive and to “let go” of the offenses we suffer. Enjoying solid loving “relationship repair” is a two-person job. The roles of each partner are clear and require a deep sense of humility. In each harmful instance is an offender and an injured person. The offender is required to be accountable for the harm and the repair to extent possible. The injured one is required to forgive the harmful offense and allow repair to the extent possible.

The most intimate couples will turn the repentance process into a healthy ritual. It looks something like this:

7 Steps to Relationship Repair

Step 1 – Truth is told about harmful act. Both persons involved describe their experience asking each other questions until they understand each others point of view.
Step 2 – Offender owns role in harmful act.
Step 3 – Injured person describes feelings and the experience from their perspective.
Step 4 – Offender expresses empathy for the feelings and how this event has hurt their lover.
Step 5 – Injured person asks for a fair and possible restitution.
Step 6 – Offender does as much restitution as possible.
Step 7 – Offender and victim discuss the events meaning for each of them and describe what they have learned.

Practicing repentance will create a resolve to be a stronger more romantic partner. Practicing forgiveness will allow you to turn the corner from feeling like a victim to becoming a more empowered person.