Crushing Chronic Dissatisfaction: A 3-Step Cure for Comparison Overload
When the Fight Isn’t the Problem:
How Flooding Hijacks Connection in Relationships
Matt Eschler, PhD, LMFT
It Starts Small—And Then It Blows Up
It began with something small—a pair of dirty socks. She snapped. He rolled his eyes. In seconds, the argument had spiraled from laundry to finances to past holidays. Words became sharp, hearts pounded, and connection dissolved. What neither partner realized is they weren’t just mad—they were emotionally flooded. And when that happens, productive conversation becomes impossible.
The Illusion Of External Control
Change doesn’t come when others behave differently—it comes when we take full accountability. Many people arrive in therapy believing someone else must act first before they can improve. But that mindset keeps them stuck. True progress happens when individuals take 100% ownership of their role in the issue. This shift requires humility and a willingness to set ego aside. When people stop focusing on others’ flaws and start looking at their own, lasting growth becomes possible.
Two Trajectories In Conflict
Every couple argues. But conflict can either drive a wedge between you or draw you closer—depending on which path you take. One path leads to competition and emotional escalation. The other leads to connection, empathy, and insight. Sadly, many couples get trapped in the win-lose mentality, allowing frustration and assumptions to take over. When you’re flooded, you stop listening and start attacking.
What Relationship Masters Do Differently
Emotionally intelligent couples—what Dr. John Gottman calls Relationship Masters—don’t let flooding take over. They recognize when they’re overwhelmed and take steps to soothe themselves before continuing the conversation. They stay curious about each other instead of assuming they already know. These couples use conflict as a tool for understanding, not ammunition for battle.
Understanding Physiological Flooding
Flooding is a physiological response during conflict. Your heart rate spikes, breathing changes, and your brain goes into fight, flight, or freeze. Rational thinking shuts down, and suddenly your partner feels more like an opponent than a teammate. You’re no longer arguing to connect—you’re arguing to win.
How To Handle Flooding In Your Relationship
Recognize the signs. Tight chest, racing heart, clenched jaw—notice your body’s cues.
Take a break. Calmly say, “I’m flooded. I need 20 minutes, but I’ll be back.”
Self-soothe. Go for a walk, breathe, listen to music, or pray—don’t rehearse your rebuttal.
Return to repair. Come back with softness. Use “I” statements. Focus on one issue at a time. Listen to understand, not defend.
Questions For Reflection
Do I see conflict as a threat or a chance to grow closer?
What are my physical signs of emotional flooding?
How do I typically respond when I’m overwhelmed?
Do I argue to win, or to understand?
Can I stay on one topic, or do I bring in everything at once?
You’re Not Opponents—You’re Teammates
All couples face conflict. But if you can learn to manage emotional flooding, you can turn fights into opportunities for closeness. The goal isn’t to win the argument—it’s to win each other’s hearts over and over again.