How do I know if I'm listening?

I meet with couples every single day who struggle with being married. The rumor is that high-conflict relationships revolve around Money, Sex, contempt, and infidelity. I agree that these reasons can wreck a marriage; however, the most fixable marriage destroyers are the misunderstandings caused by not listening.

Not listening to your spouse is not really more convenient or easier than listening. It seems that so many people have just built habits around the shortcuts involved in not listening. These shortcuts create misunderstandings, mistrust, and nearly all conflicts involving money, sex, infidelity, and contempt between spouses.

If you wanted to be the worst listener alive, here’s exactly how to do it. This is the behavioral blueprint for destroying conversations!

Interrupt your spouse as soon as possible. Don’t wait until they finish a thought; cut right in. Make sure that your pace is honored, not theirs.

Assume you already know what your spouse means. Remember every other conversation and don’t let new information interrupt your assumptions. Jump right to your own conclusion. Be the impatient psychic and really impress your spouse.

Be thinking about your response to what you believe your spouse is saying. Don’t really listen, you have heard it all before. It is important to get to your turn to speak.

Minimize your spouse’s feelings. Say things like, “You are overreacting!” or “You’re not thinking through this very well!” Don’t allow your spouse to feel things that make you uncomfortable.

Disappear periodically by checking your phone in case something comes up that you can use to get out of this conversation. Never ask clarifying questions to seek deeper meaning. Make certain you listen enough to defend yourself if necessary. 

I hope that you can see how the connection you share as a couple is either destroyed or created by the ability you have to listen to each other and respond well. To be an Elite Listener, there are rules that you can follow. Some might suggest that it takes two to make this work. The fact is, it only takes one person to change the trajectory of communication. 

Elite Listeners always do these four things:

• Elite Listeners always stay on topic. The person who begins the conversation gets to choose the topic. When it’s your turn to listen, never run away with the conversation by hijacking the topic or changing it.
• Elite listeners always hold their tongue until the speaker is finished sharing. They don’t interrupt with assumptions; instead, they ask deepening questions to get more information from their spouse.
• Elite Listeners are intentional about listening with a clear mind. They never form their responses while listening to their spouse’s point of view. They stay curious about what is being said, the tone, the body language, everything matters to an elite listener.
• Elite Listeners will always validate their spouses. Empathy is walking in their shoes and being able to feel what their spouse is feeling without judgment. Validation with empathy is pure respect and the foundation for the connection you will enjoy.

The key to romance, connection, discussing hard things, and making healthy agreements depends on being Elite Listeners. Here is a challenge! No matter what your New Year’s Goals are, no matter how well you are doing on the resolutions already set. Make being an Elite Listener the ONE thing you make happen in 2026!