Crushing Chronic Dissatisfaction: A 3-Step Cure for Comparison Overload
The “As Soon As” Trap:
How Deflecting Change Holds You Back From Growth
Chad Olson, LMFT
The Front Line Of Change
Working in therapy, I often meet individuals and couples who genuinely want to improve their lives. But one of the first obstacles that appears is the "as soon as" speed bump: “As soon as my spouse stops yelling, I’ll stop drinking.” “As soon as I make more money, I’ll start saving.” These statements are red flags. They suggest that someone isn't truly ready for change—they’re still outsourcing responsibility. Real change begins the moment you stop negotiating with it and start owning your part in the process.
The Illusion Of External Control
Change doesn’t come when others behave differently—it comes when we take full accountability. Many people arrive in therapy believing someone else must act first before they can improve. But that mindset keeps them stuck. True progress happens when individuals take 100% ownership of their role in the issue. This shift requires humility and a willingness to set ego aside. When people stop focusing on others’ flaws and start looking at their own, lasting growth becomes possible.
The Stages Of Change
According to psychologist William Miller, the change process unfolds in six key stages. Understanding where you fall in this model can help you break free from the “as soon as” trap and move toward real transformation. Use these stages as a mirror for evaluating your behavior—whether you want a stronger marriage, a healthier body, more career progress, or deeper self-control.
Stage 1: Pre-Contemplation
You may be experiencing problems, but you don’t yet see them as serious enough to act. You rationalize your inaction with “as soon as” thinking, believing someone else or some event must change first.
Stage 2: Contemplation
You acknowledge that a problem exists and are considering change. However, you feel
Stage 3: Preparation
You’ve decided to change and accepted responsibility, but you haven’t built a clear plan. This stage is about identifying your why and gathering the tools and steps necessary to succeed.
Stage 4: Action
You’re actively working on the change. This is an empowering, energizing phase where couples often feel renewed connection, and individuals experience motivation and clarity.
Stage 5: Maintenance
The changes are becoming part of who you are. You’re adjusting, refining, and planning your next steps. You see firsthand that growth is a journey, and that accountability and humility are the ongoing drivers of success.
Own The Path, Own The Outcome
Everyone cycles through these stages—often in multiple areas of life. But recognizing where you are and why you’re there is essential to moving forward. If you want to reclaim peace, growth, and self-control, the path is right in front of you. And it starts the moment you stop saying “as soon as” and start saying “I’m ready now.”